Me.

Committed. Loyal. Determined. Self respecting. Tenacious. Open. Transparent. Trusting. Trustworthy. Friendly. Warm. Gentle. Loving. Understanding. Caring. Kind. Generous. Good listener. Experienced. Street wise. Strong willed. Headstrong. Emotional.

Also Me.

Indecisive. Scared. Tearful. Paranoid. Low self esteem. Body shy.  Self critical. Demanding. Impatient. Nervous.  Depressed. Anxious. Ill. Cynical. Bossy. Awkward. Detached. Forgetful. Insecure. Procrastinator. Dominating.

 

= Balanced! 

I’m neither good, bad nor indifferent. I’m me and I’m actually okay with that!

I try to do more of the good and less of the bad – the thing is that overall, I try!!

 

I try

Peace and love, A xx

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Fight the feeling.

Every day I make a choice about how I am going to use my energy reserves. Just for that day. The reality is that I can’t plan any further forward than that. I’m a ‘yes’ woman. I am a people pleaser in some respects. If someone asks for my help I’ll instinctively say yes, without question. I’ll then have to figure out how to do it. It’s who I was and it’s who I still, desperately, want to be.

Unfortunately, a lot of the times my yes becomes no and I’m sorry. I spend a lot of time saying sorry, feeling sorry and feeling guilty – that in itself is tiring. Throw anxiety, depression and PTSD into the mix and you have a real emotional implosion.

Should I fight this feeling? Should I allow myself the emotional freedom of letting go and trusting that those who I’ve let down and disappointed will forgive me? I would forgive worse. I have. I do. I will. I do that without the histrionics that I feel others may unleash.

fight the feeling

Peace and love, A xx

My Dad.

He’s my everything. He gave me life. Nurtured me. Picked me up when I’ve needed him to. Tucked me in at night when I was a little girl. Always had a space reserved for me on his knee.

My Dad was always such a big guy. He was a giant when I was a little girl. I remember looking at him, staring up high to see his big round happy face. He always had a twinkle in his eye for me. My Dad doesn’t just love me, he adores me. He tells me so, even now at 37.

He and I have special songs, that help us connect and reminisce about important times in our lives together.

He and I have a special rapport that I know he doesn’t share with anyone else. He’s my Daddy, now, then and forever more.

These days when I look at my Daddy, I see a man whose face wears the trials and tribulations of someone who hasn’t always been dealt a lucky hand. I see him. He’s 63 now, it was his birthday yesterday. He didn’t celebrate though because he was in the Cardiology receiving ward.

You see my Daddy, protective as always, didn’t tell me that he’s been a bit ‘under the weather’ for a wee while. He took a turn on Sunday night though that landed him in hospital. I had tried calling him yesterday, a good few times and when he didn’t answer my gut knew something was wrong and the churning in my tummy sent doubts and concerns to my mind.

I was right, something was wrong and now we’re amidst the uncertainty that comes with X rays and ECGs. He’s confident that he isn’t desperately unwell. The tension in his body and the attempt to stifle his tears when I eventually hugged him yesterday told me that that isn’t the case. He’s terrified and I am too.

Get well soon, my big Da’. I love you to the ends of the earth auld yin and I’m sending prayers and love and best wishes right up to the sky.

Always your wee princess, Ali ❤️

 

Peace and love to you all xx

I think it’s time to part company!

with my medication! I seem to be a lot worse in some ways than I was before I started treating my fibromyalgia!

I’m being treated for a suspected ulcer – I think 1800mg Gabapentin, 60mg Duloxetine, 180mg Fexofenadine, 75mg Cerazette and 20mg Omeprazole every single day is having a terrible effect on my insides. I am convinced that my sluggishness, my dreadful fogginess and my severe upper intestinal cramps are exacerbated by my meds and aren’t just my fibro symptoms.

Obviously I’m no Dr so this is based on nothing more than carting this carcass around for the last 37 years and my intimate knowledge of my chassis! Trusting my gut – literally!

Now for those of you who may be concerned that I will just stop these without medical supervision, believe me I have read the horror stories of the withdrawals so it’ll be gently does it!

no more medicine

 

Over and out, peace and love – A xx

July…..how did that happen?

Where oh where is this year going? I feel like we just celebrated Christmas 2017 a mere few weeks ago, not 8 months ago! I know it’s all relative and that the older we get the faster the years seem to pass us by but my goodness I wasn’t really prepared for the madness that this year has brought.

My son, Ciaran, who was 16 in February left school (on a bit of a whim, if I’m honest) in March to start a modern apprenticeship (CAD drawing qualification and NVQ Business Management). I guess I didn’t realise how that move would make me feel – naturally I was (and still am obviously) concerned about how the change would affect him and whether it would be the right thing to do. I didn’t really bargain on the feeling of loss that I would have without my son in the comfort of state education. I suppose I need to recognise the gain in seeing him thrive and develop and grow as a young man now.

My daughter, Anya, who was 3 in March is due to start her council funded nursery place in August (only 5 weeks from now) and I am feeling a bit worried that I now have no real purpose or reason to be a ‘stay-at-home’ Mum. I know that I’m not really fit enough to work yet though. I’m at a real crossroads now because I want to work and I don’t want to have this bloody condition.

Fibromyalgia is a thief and so is the ageing process – damn them both to hell on a bike!

I’m fine!

Except I’m not!

Why is it so difficult to admit that I’m far from fine? To admit that I need help? To admit that the smile I wear for my family is simply a mask to hide the pain, sadness, upset, fatigue, frustration and low mood? Why?

Admission of this sort is so far from my reality that I fear it may never happen.

I started Duloxetine alongside by Gabapentin a number of weeks ago now and initially it had a fantastic effect on my mood and pain that I truly felt I had found the wonder drug – the answer to all my prayers over the last 3 years or so. I fear I may have been premature in my evaluation. My pain is creeping back. But is this merely a short term flare or am I in for a real progression here?

I feel so stuck in myself, how can that be? I am me!

I’m still 36 today…

I’ll be celebrating both my 37th birthday and my 1st wedding anniversary tomorrow.

What a year it has been. Chock full of highs and lows and there were times when I wasn’t sure what today would look like. Today however is a good day.

A number of weeks ago now I started taking 60mg of duloxetine every day and boy has it helped greatly.

My mood was low and my pain was high and I approached my Dr, at the end of my tether, and asked him for help (again). His offering was Duloxetine (cymbalta) and it has been life changing. Genuinely.

My pain has altered drastically. I am not without pain but my pain is manageable.

My mood is much better as a result of that. Additionally though Duloxetine does contain a mild mood enhancer so win/win.

So, I’ll sign off now and report back on my coming week. We have a busy one ahead so fingers crossed if I pace myself well I’ll get through it relatively unscathed!

Much love xx

#fibromyalgia #iwillnotbebeaten #me #strong #whatdoesntkillyoumakesyoustronger



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